There is this site na basically is a collection of sex stories written by Pinoys, some of which are true stories, ung iba ay finction naman. I visit it everytime I, er, need inspiration (haha!). The last story that I read was about the author's first time. Teasers ay 3rd year high school sya nun and happened with an older girl (4 years lang naman). She sat on him. And there you go, the first of that guy's many sexual exploits (based on his posts that is).
What has always struck me about most straight men is their confidence in their sexuality. I guess wala lang ito sa kanila, syempre kasi straight sila. Pero ako, wala ako confidence in my being male. What I mean is that, sa case kasi nung guy na kinwento ko sa itaas, I mean, ginrope yung si birdie nya. And wala lang, kahit first time lang nya nun, pinabayaan lang nya. Kung ako kasi un I would have probably ran away. I don't know exactly or wholly why, pero one thing's for sure: takot ako. Wala talaga ako confidence sa pagkalalaki ko. And I realize that I felt that way ever since, kaya eto, naging bading ako.
Pero ngayon narerealize ko na I have no confidence in my sexuality as a whole. Kasi in my own dealings kasi I never felt conmfortable in my sexuality. In my sexual encounters with other men I never felt that confidence. Those sexual encounters are rare, so hindi rin ako natututo ng diskarte somehow, so everytime I would feel the need, eto, lately, nagmumukha akong tanga. Hay nako, ang baba ng SQ ko... sexuality quotient. If ever there is such a thing.
Sa ngayon kasi I am undergoing a very painful stage of knowing myself. Pero grabe, antanda ko na, nasa getting to know myself stage pa rin ako. Haha! Pero I guess each one has his own specific time. Dami ko natutunan about myself, kaso in the process e napaparalyze talaga ako.
Anyway, it's a process I know. I play competitive badminton, I know how in sports one may have to endure some losses while learning or being better in things. Eto nasa learning stage ako. Kung gaano katagal pa ako magmumukhang tae sa kawalan ng idea kung paano ideal ang mga bagay-bagay, I try my best to hold on, though I feel I am failing. But nevertheless, I believe I will find my way.
How do I deal with my sexuality? That's basically my life question at the moment. It increasingly gets harder as I grow older. And I am paralyzed by fear - fear of a lot of things. I actually have no clue how to handle the future.
I practically spent the whole day with Ricky Martin. My current predicament caused me to look into his confession. And how he is handling things right now. I jumped from one interview to another, and also to his music videos. I can't help but watch some of them over and over. Gosh he's so handsome. I cannot help but look at his face. I sure wish I was that good-looking. More importantly though, I observed how he handles himself after his confession. What struck me is his respect for himself. He never lost his dignity after coming out. That is what I am lacking big time. Respect and love for who I really am, and the courage to, well, basically, courage for everything.
In light of my current situation, I contacted some people, in the hopes that I can have a talk with them. I guess I need someone to talk to at the moment. I sure hope they will oblige...
Medyo kakaiba e, tahimik na masayahin na maloko rin, na minsan malungkutin din. Naniniwalang may kalaliman. Hindi pa nacocorrupt nang husto. Higit sa lahat, gwaping. (pagbigyan niyo na, kahit sa blog lang...)