A Good Screwing

My text message read something like this:

(above-mentioned text message removed for personal reasons)

The reply was quick, short, and blistering:

No.

And I don’t blame him for such a reply. But it was indeed hard to swallow, and I had to consciously dismiss bouts of depression that threaten to ensnare me shortly afterwards.

I rarely make such arrangements. I stopped doing so two years ago. I try to avoid sex outside a commitment, and I avoid having a relationship in the wrong circumstances. Heck some time back I was even invited to a threesome which included someone who I had great sex with two or three times before and someone who I haven’t met yet but was described as “yummy.” It was a good opportunity for great sex. But despite a wet and throbbing arousal, I turned the offer down. Thankfully something brought about freedom from dependency on sex. But sadly I break down every once in a while, when loneliness is at its peak. The last one was in April (and I am thankful for the one who took me in), and then now. And I have a high regard for the person I sent the invite to now, that’s why I chose to contact him instead of seeking someone from the net.

My mind wonders to the worth I have as a person. I look fairly good. I am smart (I graduated from a science high school and took a tough course in the country’s premiere university, the main branch at that). I am doing good in my career. And I guess most of all I have a big capacity to love. I know the meaning of sacrifice, selflessness, and understanding. It’s actually difficult for me to write these things down; I am not comfortable with admitting these at all. But with humility towards all the powers that helped me be who I am, I acknowledge what they did for me. But I guess my tremendous insecurity blurred what my true worth is as a person.

Having said that and all, I found myself wondering: If I am this kind of person, then why, in terms of love, am I picking up scraps off the table, instead of enjoying the full meal? It’s tremendously tragic that because of my insecurity I find myself being almost a mendicant for love. I have had my share of unreplied text messages/emails, and shitty turn downs. As if I deserve such kind of treatment. But deep down perhaps I unconsciously believe I do. Shitty ordeal, all of these.

Someone had been texting me the past few days. He was the one who responded to a friend’s distress call here. And I am really thankful for him for responding. But I found myself not replying, not primarily because I don’t want to, but I just don’t know what to do about it. But one thing’s for sure, I don’t want him to put his hopes on someone who is not sure. So the other night I called him up, because I don’t want to break it to him through text. The conversation started pleasantly. “Ok ka lang ba, nasa work ka ba nyan?” I asked. “Ayos lang,” he confirmed. More pleasantries were exchanged, as I was really trying to make it a good conversation. And then I dropped it, but as politely and caring as I could. And then “You woke me up for that!” followed by a break in the line. He defended that he was just trying to befriend me. I didn’t say the otherwise. What I am after is, if in the case of the contrary, I could spare him the pain of waiting for nothing. I tried to put that across in the text messages exchanged after, but, when ego is bruised, I guess the norm is to retaliate even when no bullets were ever fired. ”Hindi ko alam kung anong masamang espiritu and pumasok sa kukote mo… Hindi naging maganda ang asal mo.” I had to take that all in.

SHIT!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO???!!!

I guess I just had to let that out.

Maybe half of the time the turn downs are well-meaned, and maybe the other half is from shit heads. It may probably be that the well-meaned ones are outnumbered by a bigger proportion. But, the thing is, I need not be exposed to these turn downs if I am in the proper state of self. I need not be a beggar for love. I am worth too much to be such. And this applies to all actually. No one is supposed to be begging for love. It’s tragic that the world is twisted wickedly that most are forced to begging.

Yup, I indeed had a good screwing. Of the mind and of the heart, that is.